SWD3: We’re Gonna Need a Bigger Toboggan!

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Wednesday, August 13, 2014

SWD3: We’re Gonna Need a Bigger Toboggan!

If there is one thing everyone knows about sharks it is their love of arctic conditions, not just the oceans but sliding down mountains and hunting for prey at ski lodges.  I remember many a snow day home from school spent in my backyard making a snowman all the while keeping a watchful eye open for that telltale fin breaking the surface of the frozen ground.  You’d think being forty-five minutes in-land from the ocean would offer some sort of protection but that is just a lie propagated by those dirty tree-huggers in the liberal media.  I will school you all on the truth as demonstrated by these semi-realistic docudramas.

Snow Shark: Ancient Snow Beast (2011)

  • Genre: Horror – Sci-Fi
  • Directed: Sam Qualiana
  • Produced:
    • Richard Chizmar 
    • Michael Faust 
    • Michael Gesel 
    • Greg Lamberson 
    • John Maclay 
    • Marc Makowski 
    • C.J. Qualiana 
    • Chris Rados 
    • Sonny Sims 
    • Jason Swinchock 
    • Christopher Lee Wroblewski
  • Written: Sam Qualiana
  • Starring: Sam Qualiana, Michael O'Hear, Jackey Hall, C.J. Qualiana, Kathy Murphy, Andrew Elias, Andy Taylor, Jason John Beebe, John Renna, Robert Bozek, Christopher Lee Wroblewski, Sherri Lyn Litz
  • Music:
    • Michael Paul Girard 
    • Society's Child
  • Cinematography: Sam Qualiana
  • Editing:
    • Brett Piper 
    • Mark Polonia
  • Studio:
    • Anomaly Effects 
    • Cemetary Dance Publications 
    • Metroshia Productions 
    • Indiegogo
  • Distributed:
    • Alternative Cinema  
    • Independent Entertainment
  • Rated:
  • Release Date: December 2012
  • Running Time: 79 minutes
  • Country: USA
  • Language: English

Snow Shark is a 2012 horror film directed by Sam Qualiana about an outrageous and spine-tingling shark that swims through frozen snow and hunt people.

Frozen for thousands of years, freed by an earthquake, and really, really hungry. In 1999, a team of animal biologists investigating a rash of wildlife killings disappeared in the lonely woods near a small town. Years later, a local resident claims to have killed a prehistoric carnivorous creature living in the snow. Now, someone - or something - is making lunch of the locals. As curiosity-seekers and crypto zoologists descend on the small town, drawn by the legend of the

Snow Shark, Mike - sole survivor of an earlier attack - leads an armed and dangerous posse into a deadly battle.

This film originated as a short that was shot in 2004.  Sam Qualiana wrote the part of Professor Jonathan Hoffman with Michael O'Hear in mind to play it.  Shot in twenty-one days and the bulk of this film was shot on weekends.  Most of the cast members came up with their own costumes.  Robert Bozek provided both the coffee mug and cane for his role as Mayor Shawn Overman.  Sam Qualiana amassed some of the money for the budget through a Kickstarter campaign on the Internet.

Available both on DVD and Amazon Streaming!


Avalanche Sharks (2013)

  • Genre: Action – Horror – Sci-Fi
  • Directed: Scott Wheeler
  • Produced:
    • Alexandra Julson 
    • Christian McIntire 
    • Michael Roddy 
    • Keith Shaw 
    • Kirk Shaw 
    • Jacob Silver 
    • Devi Singh 
    • Stan Spry 
    • Scott Wheeler 
    • Eric Scott Woods
  • Written: Keith Shaw
  • Starring: Alexander Mendeluk, Kate Nauta, Benjamin Easterday, Eric Scott Woods, Kelle Cantwell, Richard Gleason, Gina Holden, Jack Cullison, James Ouimet, Nicole Helen, Emily Addison, Mike Ruggieri, Erin Ross, Patrizia Cavaliere
  • Music: Unknown
  • Cinematography: Ioana Vasile
  • Editing: Helen Tzoutis
  • Studio:
    • Odyssey Media 
    • Pulser Productions 
    • Rogue State 
    • The Cartel
  • Distributed:
    • Eagle Entertainment  
    • IPA Asia Pacific  
    • Splendid Film  
    • Splendid Film 
    • Titan Global Entertainment
  • Rated: NR
  • Release Date: 1 July 2013
  • Running Time: 82 minutes
  • Country: Canada
  • Language: English

What is it with Canada and terrible shark movies?  Is this like Italy and low-budget zombie movies?  I swear these are two separate movies I’m talking about tonight.

Following upon the success of Sharknado, Syfy announced a sequel and the internet was flooded with suggestions toward similar killer-shark topics.  In October 2013, they announced a film with a working title of Sharkalanche as a sequel to Sand Sharks (See yesterday’s article for that movie).  The film was to star Brooke Hogan, but when Hogan had a scheduling conflict, Kate Nautawas brought aboard for the role of Diana.

After a snowboarder inadvertently starts a major avalanche, the moving snowfield uncovers and wakes a prehistoric "snow shark" which had been trapped beneath.  The shark develops an appetite for human flesh and the staff at the Twin Pines Ski Resort begins getting reports of missing people and strange finned creatures moving under the snow.  Fearing financial loss on what is their busiest event day of the year, the Bikini Snow Day, the Twin Pines management tries to hide news of the missing skiers and sightings of strange creatures.  Disaster strikes as the bikini-clad snow bunnies one-by-one become meals for the shark.  The avalanche has cut off the roads trapping all within the Twin Pines Valley.  The local sheriff allies with snowboarders to track down the monster.

As IO9.Com puts it:

The legacy of the cinematic masterpiece called Sharknado has taken an unfortunate turn with the arrival of Avalanche Sharks, a cheap knock-off which 1) features sharks that swim in the snow, 2) is missing the star power of Tara Reid and Ian Ziering, and 3) is oddly light on avalanches.

On the other hand, it appears to have the boobs that Sharknado lacked. But how the hell did a shark get into a hot tub that almost certainly had to have a completely enclosed floor? Sir, I hate to say I doubt the verisimilitude of your movie about magic ice sharks, but I kind of doubt the verisimilitude of your movie about magic ice sharks.

Through the floor of a hot tub, really!?


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