Once again Discovery Channel’s Shark Week is upon us and although you might think I covered every possible combination of Shark, Attack and crappy in last year’s 30 movies, I have found more…lucky you.
Spring Break Shark Attack (2005)
Kathy Baker ("Picket Fences"), Bryan Brown ("The Thorn Birds"), Shannon Lucio ("The O.C.") and Riley Smith ("New York Minute") star in this thriller about the invasion of a group of killer sharks on the Florida coast as a beach full of college co-eds enjoy their spring break from school. College girl Danielle lies to her parents about her spring break plans and sneaks away to the fun-filled beaches of Florida with her two best friends. Soon after arriving, she falls for Shane, a handsome young blue-collar local working to raise college money. While on vacation, Danielle seeks out her brother, Charlie, a graduate student at the Florida Maritime Institute, whose thesis is on tiger sharks. Charlie cautions his sister to stay out of the water. He suspects that a large number of sharks are in the area due to a new artificial reef that was built to attract tourism. Caught up in spring break fun, Danielle forgets her brother's warning. However, on an overnight boat trip she and her friends are viciously attacked by a group of sharks. As they find their way to safety on an islet, the reality of the danger hits them even harder when the body of a friend washes ashore.
Malibu Shark Attack (2009)
Heather is the head-lifeguard on a Malibu beach, alongside her ex-boyfriend Chavez, Doug and Barb. Also on the beach are Jenny, a teenage girl who is reluctantly cleaning the beach for community service after she got caught shoplifting, and Bryan, Barb's boyfriend who proposes to her. Meanwhile, a tremor unleashes a group of prehistoric goblin sharks who begin to devour swimmers along the beach. Chavez travels to a nearby house that is undergoing construction and meets with the workers Colin, who is Heather's new boyfriend, George, Yancey and Karl. A warning of a tsunami arises and Chavez returns to the beach, saving Heather who had been knocked into the water by a shark after being sent to investigate some people causing trouble in the water. Doug and Barb evacuate the beach, and take shelter in the lifeguard hut with Heather, Chavez, Jenny and Bryan.
As the tsunami hits, Bryan is knocked unconscious and Jenny suffers a large cut on her leg. Heather manages to stitch the cut together, however the blood attracts the goblin sharks, as the group realize they are stranded in the hut, with help unlikely due to the damage the tsunami has created. The sharks soon begin to attack the hut and manage to break the floor, dragging Barb out of the hut and devouring her. As the group mourn Barb's death, the construction crew have become stranded in the house they were working at. Yancey decides to try to swim to land and get help, however she is quickly attacked and eaten by sharks, before a shark jumps up and drags Karl into the water. Soon after, Colin and George discover a boat and begin to travel to the hut. Back at the hut, the group manage to kill one of the sharks, before Chavez swims out of the hut to retrieve a flare gun. The others attempt to distract the sharks, however one attempts to eat Chavez, resulting in him shooting and killing the shark with the flare gun, instead of summoning help.
Chavez returns to the hut, before the group move up to the roof as the sharks continue to damage the hut. Colin and George arrive on the boat and everyone boards, but the fuel soon runs out, forcing them to drift to land. After hours, the boat reaches the house that was under construction. The boat becomes stuck on a gate, so George enters the site to try and find pliers to open the gate. As the rest wait, the sharks arrive. Bryan jumps into the water, sacrificing himself so the rest can escape. Doug, Jenny and Colin manage to get into the flooded house and encounter a shark but manage to kill it, while Heather and Chavez discover a half eaten George, before taking shelter in a car, where they reconcile. Chavez kills another shark, before entering the house with Heather. The group meet up, and manage to trap and kill the final shark. In the morning, a helicopter arrives to rescue them.
Jaws in Japan (2009)
Jaws in Japan (aka Psycho Shark) is a 2009 Japanese horror film directed by John Hijiri, written by Yasutoshi Murakawa and stars Nomani Takizawa, Airi Nakajima, and Megumi Haruno. The movie was named so in an attempt to market it as a sequel to Jaws, but has no connection with it and has received extremely negative reviews.
A summer escape to Sunny Beach proves a bloody mistake for two fun-loving college coeds excited to take a break from studying. Miki and Mai were searching for a luxurious resort when they wandered off the beaten path in a tropical paradise. Now the harder they try to find their way back, the more lost they become. Later, when the girls cross paths with a friendly stranger who agrees to let them stay at his lodge, they begin to think their nightmare has ended. But appearances can be deceiving, and this stranger harbors a deadly secret. When Miki begins to sense an ominous presence and notices that their host has bloodstains under his fingernails, she realizes too late that they've wandered straight into a deadly trap.
The film was not rated by the Motion Picture Association of America. In both the United Kingdom and the Republic of Ireland, it has a 12A certificate, meaning that it is not recommended that children under the age of twelve watch it unless they are accompanied by an adult.
Jersey Shore Shark Attack (2012)
The movie follows the wacky hijinks of a group of overtanned, oversexed 20-somethings living together in a house in Seaside Heights. If it sounds like MTV’s Jersey Shore, that was intentional – the main characters are directly inspired by the cast of that show: you have The Complication (The Situation), Nooki (Snooki), J-MONI (JWoww), Donnie (Ronnie), etc. And just like the show, they’re obsessed with drinking, fighting, sexing and creating their own stupid abbreviations; rather than GTL, the guys proclaim how they are going to go out for some ASS – Alcohol, Sun, and Sex.
And while our gang is just trying to have fun, there are some significant wrenches thrown into what is supposed to be a carefree summer at the Jersey Shore. Some real estate developer wants to create a luxury country club and displace the guido population, they get into some brawls with preppy rich kids, and, worst of all, there is a school of rabid albino sharks prowling the water. And that’s pretty much the entire plot. Oh yeah – I forgot about another aspect of the movie – everyone’s looking forward to the “big” 4th of July concert by former *NSYNCer Joey Fatone, who plays himself in the film. Don’t know how they dug him up – I guess JC Chasez must have been busy that day.
Anyway, the whole movie is like a bad combination of Jersey Shore and Jaws. Some scenes are even almost exact replications of scenes from the latter. Like when local fishermen catch a shark, though not necessarily the shark, and everyone thinks it’s safe to be in the water. Or when the police chief desperately tries to convince the mayor to close the beach on the 4th of July. But as Jaws itself was based on real New Jersey shark attacks, I guess that can be forgiven. There are also elements of dumb high school shows like 90210 or Saved By the Bell; you have the rivalry with the preppy kids, the local hangout of Captain Sallie’s bar (akin to the Peach Pit or the Max) and Captain Sallie himself who serves as a mentor to the gang (just like Nat or Mr. Belding).
And then there are the effects, which I refuse to call special. These supposed blood-thirsty sharks are rendered as crappy CGI fish with faces that look like the cave trolls from Lord of the Rings. They even make the fake shark from Jaws look real. Moreover, the characters constantly refer to the sharks having red eyes – but the effects people obviously missed this detail. Also consider how our gang tries to kill the sharks by throwing fireworks at them – fireworks that somehow remain lit under water in some weird SpongeBob SquarePants type of logic.
When all this is combined with a cast of bad actors with over the top New York accents, a few too many Italian stereotype jokes and a cameo by Jersey Shore’s Vinnie (playing a news reporter as unconvincingly as you might expect), this movie just sucks. And no, not in a “so bad it’s good” kind of way. It sucks in that you find yourself rooting for the ugly CGI sharks to just eat the entire cast already. Unfortunately you have to wait two hours to see that they all survive.
- Spring Break Shark Attack (TV Movie 2005) – IMDb
- Spring Break Shark Attack (TV Movie 2005) - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia
- Amazon.com: Spring Break Shark Attack
- Malibu Shark Attack (TV Movie 2009) – IMDb
- Malibu Shark Attack - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia
- Malibu Shark Attack - 2009 - Official Trailer HD – YouTube
- Jaws in Japan (Video 2009) – IMDb
- Jaws in Japan - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia
- Jersey Shore Shark Attack (TV Movie 2012) – IMDb
- Jersey Shore Shark Attack - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia
- Jersey Shore Shark Attack - Trailer - YouTube
- Movie Review: “Jersey Shore Shark Attack” | ArmpitNJ.com
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